Just my current thoughts...

Ok, so seeing as how the past 3 months, especially the past week, and specifically the past 2 days have literally involved entire days of me just sitting on the couch on the laptop, barely getting up, barely noticing what is going on around me, not noticing that it's getting dark out, etc. while I am obsessively reading about GFGF, autism, vaccines, mercury, selenium, zinc, maca, recovery stories, chelation, amalgam, etc. I knew I just needed to make a decision and be comfortable with it. (Hubby gets home at 1am leaving me plenty of time to obsess alone while my poor dog mopes around the house, ignored) Hubby has been amazing but there is only so much he can say or do.. he hates to see me like this and just wants to make a decision and not look back. I know he is right. I can't stress out like this. I needed to step back from all of the information overload and just think practically. Waiting 18 months after amalgam removal would put us at Christmas 2011 before we can even start trying. Considering it would probably take at least 3 months to TTC our baby would be born around Christmas 2012. And that's pretty optimistic. So almost 3 years from now - plus I have to say that I slightly believe that something in the world will at the very least be drastically altered in 2012 and I want to at least have experienced being a mother by then..

Anyway so basically I needed to step back from the information and think "OK could I wait 3 years to be a mother" and the answer is NO so the next question is "What are you still obsessing about then..?" and the short answer is basically finding a way around the 18 month wait. For example looking up sealant to go over the amalgam, considering extraction, considering only replacing 3 fillings and leaving 1 (supposedly then the body won't start the detox process) but none of these seem to be turning up anything. I guess I am just still uneasy with the thought of TTC until I know I have done everything I can do in the circumstances. Once I have definitively exhausted these last 3 questions I think we will finally be ready to TTC and I can be at (semi) peace with my decision no matter what happens..

I read alot of autism recovery stories today and saw alot of amazing kids on YouTube who are being recovered and I am also more at peace with the idea that it's not all bad. Either way we would love our baby and try to heal them. Either way we are not doing vaccinations so they have a pretty great chance. Either way we would never give up and we would only use it as a positive thing to help others. Some of the things we have gone through in the past (immigration mostly) were NOT easy but I like to think that we are stronger because of it and also have helped dozens of other people. Everything happens for a reason. I want to be a mom and I pray that my baby will be OK without the vaccinations but even if he or she is not I will not stop. I am *NOT* the type to take anything lying down. If this does happen I will make sure that there is some positive change in the world and in the lives of others because of it. Not that I wouldn't advocate for it either way but it's different when you live & breathe it each day vs. knowing and understanding and supporting but not focusing 100% of your energy into it. I guess I am just writing all of this to try and convince others (and myself) that I am not entirely selfish.. my baby still has a great chance of being OK.. and being a bit Aspergers myself I don't think I could call the whole thing negative. Would I have accomplished all of the things I have if I wasn't this way..? Or alternatively if I had never gotten any childhood vaccinations myself or any amalgams would I be even *more* successful and intelligent and balanced..? Is Aspergers the affect of the mercury or is autism what happens when someone with Aspergers or Asperger tendencies gets too much mercury..?

OK I am definitely rambling now..

*NEW PLAN*

- TTC now, continue using selenium, zinc, maca & prenatals throughout pregnancy

- Natural birth, no drugs, no vaccinations, no rhogam shots, etc.

- Around 6 months of age see how baby is doing and how I am feeling

- Sometime between 6-12 months stop breastfeeding and get amalgams removed - feed frozen expressed breastmilk instead (can freeze for up to 1 year) if baby needs any more breastmilk after that use milk banks

- See how I am feeling post-removal. If baby or myself shows any negative signs - chelate

- Wait 18 months after amalgam removal before TTC #2. So baby #1 would be between 2 and 2.5 years old when we would start TTC. And I would be mercury-free.

This is just all so scary..

I am still undecided but today Andy Cutler - the most respected expert on this sort of thing - gave me some advice and then main gist of it was that it's not 1 year but 18 months to wait after removal.. and that I have a good chance of being OK even with them in.. and that the mercury from the vaccinations is more of a concern than the mercury from my fillings (kinda surprised to hear him say that since the whole movement is so much focused on amalgam removal & chelation) ..

But I have been freaking myself out too much reading stories in the Loss section at mothering.com wow those are some very sad blogs.. I feel so much for all of those moms and cried at each & every one of their stories.. plus I had no idea the chance of miscarriages was so high (10% but that is at the 8 week stage) .. I am only worrying myself how do you know you will ever have a healthy baby at all there are so many things that can go wrong..! I am not even pregnant yet and look at me here I am already worrying..

Plus I am worrying about having problems actually getting pregnant.. I have *never* had regular cycles from the beginning (I did on the pill though) and my husband is working on eating healthy and working out and is making great progress but he is very overweight & I just read a study about the sperm count AND sperm quality being much lower in obese men and the risk of miscarriage being higher due to low sperm quality.. UGH..! I had *no* idea that sperm quality could affect miscarriages..! I thought it was all due to things that happened *after* conception - not egg & sperm health. We did buy some Maca already the other day so we might just both start taking that - but I don't know how much that will really help =(

This is all so scary & overwhelming.. I wish adopting was easier cuz then we could just adopt..! Or am I just totally over-analyzing everything?? (something I tend to do..!!!)

Day # 1 .. of what exactly..??

Well....... alot of things have changed just since yesterday...!!! But I think we have finally come to a decision ... of getting the amalgams out now. I am not going to blog too much about it just yet because who knows I could change my mind again because it gives my stomach a sinking feeling when I think about the fact that I am not going to be TTC right now. If I do get the amalgams out I will need to wait about 1 year.

I am just disappointed, discouraged, frustrated, etc. right now. There seems to be too much risk to ignore. But I don't know. I hear stories of people who came out O.K. even when they had the amalgams in while pregnant. But then not everyone is affected by mercury the same as I may be. But then again I don't even know that I *AM* affected badly. I am just going by family history and some mental symptoms like fogginess, trouble focusing, tiredness, etc. which *could* all just be stress..

Ugh see what I mean..? It's a vicious cycle that just swims around in my head over & over again. I almost wish a fairy could just come in the night and either make me pregnant or miraculously remove my amgalms (& with no exposure..!) so then my decision could be made for me...!! And then it would be easier..!! No, wait, I take that back.. let's wish for this never having happened to me to begin with..!! Why, oh why didn't I advocate for myself and realize that these fillings were so EVIL..?!

Oh do you want to hear something funny..????? Guess what I got in the mail today...??? A check up reminder from the dentist who gave me these stupid amalgams and never informed me of *any* of the risks or controversy.. Yelp you steered me wrong....! Well no, ok, he is a good dentist..for cleanings, etc. anything other than fillings.. but it is not all his fault.. It is the ADA's fault & the government's fault..

Day of Preparations #2

So I'm going to call tomorrow the official "Start Day #1" partly because I had a few (minor) set-backs today but mostly because it's the first of the month..!

I just discovered a new reason for starting this blog (or benefit of it) .. ! It is going to definitely hold me accountable. Sure, I don't have any readers yet - but I want to..! And then I will *HAVE* to do something productive each & every day to have something to write about. If I come on here and start talking about my boring, lazy, uneventful day and how I had some yummy cheese fries you all will let me hear it..!

So today was the monthly birthday day in the office..! You all know what that means..! lol.. I slipped up and had some cookies n' cream ice cream.. but I passed on the cake..! (Although truthfully I probably would have passed on it anyway lol)

Other than that I have had a banana and a fresh caprese sandwich from one of the catering companies that brings us lunch at my company.. woohoo! I love Wednesday's because Wednesday's are caprese days for me.. the company that makes the sandwiches is awesome .. they are so simple but so good..

Oh and I also had some Sun Chips =( at least they are partially healthy right..??

See, the good thing about this blog for you the reader is that I am a normal person just like you..! I haven't been doing this for 10+ years, I don't eat a bunch of wacky things that most people have never heard of or can't pronounce.. I don't ride my bike to work or shop at local farms or use a canvas bag for all of my shopping (not that anything is wrong with those things or that I won't start doing some of them myself but just that the average person doesn't do these things and it can sometimes be intimidating..!) In short, we are going through this together..! Learning which things are important and which things aren't, learning what works for our life and what is practical for us. Laughing about how our husbands, our kids, our friends & family react to our "crazy new ideas." Lamenting over how the rest of society misses so many important things and pondering why we hadn't heard that mercury fillings were toxic or fluoridated water was bad for you. Beating ourselves up over some ice cream or Sun Chips because we are not perfect and we haven't gotten used to all of this yet.. !

It's going to be a crazy journey.. and I can't wait =)

Day of Preparations #1

So I made some very important steps today..!

My First Juicer..!!

We bought a nice cheap little juicer from Wal-Mart for only $39 .. and so far it works GREAT .. !! Some oranges, an apple, a peach, a banana (yeah not so smart hubby!!) and out come 2 glasses of fresh, healthy, and yummy juice.. ! He also made some carrot juice with an orange and apple added as well. It wasn't so bad like that..! I can see myself drinking it too. This is such a huge step for me..! It's going to be a struggle getting my daily vegetables though..

Where I'm Headed

I think the staples of my diet are going to be eggs, potatoes, wheat breads & peanut butter, fruits, veggies, and milk. Pretty pathetic I know. Other things are really hard for me because of some eating issues I have had since I was a child. But I am going to try adding as many things as I can..!!

Where I've Come From

Let's just say that "picky eating" sounds like such a wrong term for it because it's not something that I do by choice. Certain foods are just impossible for me due to their flavor (leafy veggies, chicken), or texture (chicken, nuts), or even the thought of it (beef, leafy veggies). I didn't even eat pizza until I was 18 years old.. I never liked cake, never liked sodas, never liked meat. Until I was about 12 years old my daily diet consisted of orange juice, pudding, yogurt, peanut butter, some vitamins my mom gave me, and sometimes french fries or biscuits. So I have come a LONG way. I am trying to try new things all the time but the thing is that most of them were not healthy. I have become very dependent on processed foods over the last 6 - 10 years. Cheerios, Goldfish, Hershey's chocolate bars, Cheese Nips, frozen pizzas, frozen french fries, frozen cheesy bread, frozen pretzels, etc. etc. Nachos and pizza and loaded baked potatoes at work (we get catered lunch) everything fried, cheesy, with gops of sour cream..!! Some days I would not eat if they did not have anything that I liked..!!

First Supplements Ever..!!

I still need to research more if Royal Jelly & Maca are O.K. for someone with amalgams still in place..

So we also just went to Whole Foods and this is what we got:

- Royal Jelly (supposedly prolongs the life of the queen bee from 2 months to 6 years.. supposed to greatly increase fertility, egg health, decrease the risk of a miscarriage, etc.)

- Selenium (supposed to bind with the mercury to make it less harmful)

- Zinc (also supposed to mitigate the negative affects of the mercury)

- Maca powder (supposed to help with fertility and energy among other things like benefits to the skin, hair & nails. Both hubby and I will be taking this one!)

Hubby kept teasing me about my "weird" Peruvian powder and bee jelly..! lol..!

But I pulled up some articles on my Droid and showed it to him..

We made some other changes that we ( well mostly I..! ) have been meaning to make for a while or at least started but never fully followed through..

"Pure" Things We Just Bought

- Got another, smaller cast-iron pan for things like eggs & pancakes - going to throw out the last of the non-stick coated pans

- Got some glass Pyrex containers to replace the plastic tupperware we previously used..! By this point hubby was just like "Are you sure this matters...?? Well ok..."

- Got 2 spray bottles to make my vinegar + water solution.. this is something I did before but using a rinsed out 409 bottle.. Hubby hates using vinegar and prefers 409 so this one took some convincing.. I mean who decided a bunch of chemicals = clean..?? To me fresh & natural = clean..! It took me a while to see it that way but now that I do it's like.. DUH..!!

- Got some regular old-fashioned light-bulbs to replace the CFL ones that we have after reading a horror story of a mercury-sensitive woman who had one break in her home.. 3 years later she is still not back to normal and even just walking down the street makes her sick from the car exhaust fumes.. it took her almost 1 year to be in her own house without a mask.. she couldn't go within 1 block of her home without feeling sick.. when the bulb broke her hand turned GREEN and veins popped out and when she called an ambulance they would not help her because they did not take her seriously. This just goes to show how dangerous mercury is for those who are "toxic" or who do not process toxins well, whichever way you want to view it. They are 2 sides of the same coin in my mind.. Anyway this story tripped hubby out more than it did me..! He was afraid of the CFL light-bulbs and was checking all of the boxes to make sure they weren't CFL and kept asking me "but how do you know if it has mercury or not..??"

And a random rant =)

Then we were reading the labels of the CFL bulbs and despite all other kinds of "WARNINGS" and "CAUTIONS" nope there was nothing about mercury or even the risk that it could break and release it.. *sigh* I do not understand why more people are not taking mercury seriously. It is one of the most highly deadliest toxins known on earth.. that and the fluoride that is in our water but that is a story for another day.. You wouldn't believe how much everything is connected..!! How much almost every single thing around us or that we consume has some kind of "conspiracy" story behind it. It sounds crazy at first but once you believe 1 or 2 you see that the others are true as well (after doing the adequate research of course..!!). It's hard because you can't just start off immediately with "evil dentists and plots to make everyone sick and food companies trying to kill off the crops of the entire world and vaccine companies causing AIDS and Leukemia" see what I mean..? I sound like a crazy person.. but the sad thing is I am not.. most of these things are probably 90-100% true.. and the really sad thing is that most people have NO idea. They just believe everything a person in a position of political or intellectual authority tells them..!! Honestly - this just means they have more of a motivation to lie..!!

What Is The Deal With Amalgam Filings & Why Am I Leaving Mine In..?

More About Me & Why I Am Writing This Blog

This blog has 3 main purposes..
Mainly to help others, to gather my thoughts & efforts all in one place, but also to serve as a document or a "diary" of sorts to remember everything that I went through and so my future son or daughter can see how much I love them even before they existed. Although they do already exist don't they..? In our heads and in our hearts.. I picture Anthony (mostly it's Anthony but sometimes it's Isabella) just sitting up there on a cloud waiting for me.. thinking "Mommy why aren't you ready yet..??"

I'm also trying to simplify everything.. to get rid of the clutter in my life, the clutter in my house, and the "digital" clutter in my e-mail & computers so that I can get rid of the clutter in my mind.